Revealing the things they don't want you to know. It's the real news!
UNCOVEROR ENDORSES BIDEN AND MCGRATH
I am going to take a break from making my usual tabloid parody, and make a
serious statement in my own name rather than one of my pen names. We have a
simple choice on November 3, 2020. Do we want to remain a representative
republic, or become a fascist dictatorship. There is only one answer for saving
our nation. Elect Joe Biden.
For those who live in Kentucky, our senior senator is probably the most corrupt
individual to ever hold public office: Mitch McConnell. He must go. Vote for Amy
ALIENS ASSASSINATED KENNEDY
records about the JFK assassination that were previously classified are now
available to the public. They were released by the National Archives first in
July of 2017, then in October, November and December. A new suspect has emerged
that previous theories had not considered, and it is something out of this
On May 25, 1961 President John F. Kennedy gave a speech to a joint session of
Congress and said. "First, I believe that this nation should commit itself to
achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and
returning him safely to the earth...
WHAT WAR ON CHRISTMAS?
Right wing talk radio, Fox News and a lot of angry, foaming
at the mouth people egged on by them would have you believe that there is a war on Christmas.
They insist that the greeting, "Happy Holidays" is part of a plot to ban the
observance from public life. One of the targets of their rage has been
Starbucks. Apparently their cups in red and green, traditional Christmas colors,
aren't catering enough to Christmas lovers. I decided to visit a Starbucks store
myself. A real Starbucks store, not just the coffee aisle at a supermarket. Have
a look at what I found!
To please the anti-Christmas conspiracy, they blatantly
made a coffee called Holiday Blend. No, wait! They didn't at all. It is called
THAT FAST FOOD BURGER YOU ATE PROBABLY WAS NOT BEEF
you enjoy the burger you just ate at your local fast food joint? Did you think
it was 100% USDA Certified Beef? It might not have been beef at all, but
Meatelle. What is that you ask? A new meat substitute the industry is adopting
that many will find alarming. I recently spoke to a representative of its
manufacturer, Substitech. I did not like what I heard.
"Meatelle is the wave of the future," says Mortimer A.
Smith, a company Spokesman. "It does not require the raising and slaughter of
livestock, nor the growing of crops, so it does not tax our overstretched supply
of farmland. We manufacture it in a facility near Cincinnati Ohio, and ship it
to our clients from there. A single site is all we need."
Manufacture? That seems a strange way to describe producing
something people will eat...
HOW THE CUBS GOAT CURSE WAS BROKEN
really surprised to see the Chicago Cubs win it all this year. After all, they
were supposed to be cursed, and had not even been there since the curse was put
on them in 1945. Back then, William "Billy Goat" Sianis who owned The Billy Goat
Tavern wanted to bring his mascot, a live billy goat named Murphy, into Wrigley
Field with him. They were kicked out because, in the words of Cubs owner P.K.
Wrigley "The goat stinks". Sianis became enraged and cursed his once beloved
Cubs. Not only would they lose the 1945 World Series to the Detroit Tigers, but
they would never be back to it. Never, until 2016 that is.
I wanted to learn more about what made this possible, so I contacted my favorite
expert in the supernatural and paranormal, famed New Orleans psychic Madame
Sophia LaRoque. She explained how it was made possible.
GET READY FOR HALLOWEEN
almost time for Halloween, and our staff have lots of ideas to help you be
ready. First, you are probably asking "What candy should I hand out?" Here is
all you need. Smarties and Dum Dums have been packaged together. You can pass
judgment as you pass out treats. See a really well done costume or hear a really
clever turn of a phrase? Give Smarties to that kid! See a poorly done costume,
or worse, no costume at all? Hear something mindless? Here, kid. Dum Dums for
you! In most neighborhoods these days, expect to have Smarties left over.
AN OPEN LETTER TO STAN KROENKE
I know you and the Rams are unhappy in St. Louis, and ready to move away. With
renovations to the Edward Jones Dome cancelled, and the ultimatum that playing a
home game In London would constitute a violation of your lease, who can blame
you? But I must ask you to consider whether Los Angeles is really the place to
go. Instead of that, bring the Rams back to their original home on the coast of
Lake Erie; Cleveland Ohio.
...You may say that we already have a team, but they barely qualify as a
professional football club, and aren’t the real Browns anyway.
ELF ON THE SHELF SELLS SURVEILLANCE STATE TO OUR KIDS
is a recently invented trend its pitchmen hope to make a tradition, The Elf on
the Shelf. He is a scout who will report back to Santa Claus whether children
have been naughty or nice. Is this just an innocuous little add-on to the legend
of St. Nicholas? Hardly! The Elf on the Shelf is designed to make current and
future generations of American children used to being watched at all times. It
is a plot from Big Brother to make the surveillance state seem normal.
...They have a goal of making us forget about privacy and
personal security, and it has nothing to do with protecting us from crime or
terrorism. It is only about power. They invented this diabolical little imp they
would have children believe is one of Santa's Helpers. Do not be fooled.
GOOGLE BUILDING ARMY OF KILLER ROBOTS
alleged motto is "Don't be evil." They would have us believe that they are the
good guys, and don't intend to do any harm. I don't believe this hollow slogan.
They must be saying that with fingers crossed behind their backs, as a recent
patent filing reveals a plot that is evil on par with any Hollywood or comic
book madman, hell-bent on world domination ... Google has been obsessed with
robotics in recent years, buying out companies like Boston Dynamics, the makers
of the BigDog and Atlas robots, and any patent they can find related to robots.
Google has even started a program where inventors who want to sell their patents
can easily pitch them called the patent purchase promotion.
Patrick Moorhead, an analyst with Moor Insights & Strategy says "Google is
building a stash of patents, like an arms dealer collects weapons." This quote
is very telling.
SURVEY SHOWS THOSE AVOIDING GLUTEN DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
"Gluten Free" is the current craze among shoppers seeking healthier food, but what does
that mean? Do people really know? This was the subject of a survey recently done
by The Helvetica Institute. Surveyors asked hundreds of people in grocery stores
and on the street two questions: "Are you avoiding gluten in your diet?", and
"What is gluten?"
"Gluten? I don't know what it is, but all my girlfriends
tell me it's bad so I ain't having none of that." said a women who declined to
give the surveyor her name.
MADAME SOPHIA LAROQUE REPUDIATES NEW ZODIAC
curious about the "New Zodiac" and "New Astrology" that has the Internet buzzing
lately. Though my managing Editor, M. Grant Winston laughed at me, and I had to
plead with him to do this story, I got it done. I went to New Orleans to ask
famous seer, Madame Sophia LaRoque what she thought.
"Colleen, my darling, there is nothing new about this so-called new astrology.
Sidereal or Eastern Astrology has been around over a century. I do not
understand why people want to hear about it all so suddenly." She went on to
say, "This thirteenth sign, Ophiuchus or "The Serpent Bearer" has no bearing on
people. Feel free to ignore it."
WAL-MART WANTS TO BANKRUPT THE GIRL SCOUTS
you look forward every year to Girl Scout Cookies? I know I do. Tagalongs and
especially Thin Mints are irresistibly delicious. I must have them! When some
people jokingly refer to Thin Mints as cookie crack, I get it. Wal-Mart is now
making rip-offs of those two great cookie recipes. They will be sold under the
Great Value line, and will probably be cheaper than the genuine article. Buy
them, and the money goes to an evil mega-corporation sending jobs to China, and
selling American consumers dangerous and lead-tainted Chinese products, not to a
charitable organization that has helped raise our daughters to be good citizens
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS CONFUSED ABOUT MOON LANDING
poll was recently taken just before the end of the past school year about the
upcoming fortieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. I met a student who
thought he knew about it, and even gave a presentation to his class. He repeated
the presentation for me...
"The Moon Landing. Back in the hippie days of the sixties, not
everyone was protesting and getting high. We actually put two men on the moon.
That was real cool!...Their names were Stretch Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear."
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