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XP UPDATES ON APRIL 9. WERE THEY JUST BLOWING SMOKE?
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WANT MARCH MADNESS? BETTER HAVE CABLE.
The Elite Eight was not the Final Insult. Saturday's Final
Four games are only on TBS, not CBS. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Time to
let them know we are mad about this!
JESSE VENTURA IS NOT AS OFF THE GRID AS HE THINKS
Recently, Former Minnesota Governor and pro wrestler Jesse Ventura appeared on CNBC to promote his TV show. He revealed that he is living "off the grid" to hide from the drones. Ventura said that he is in an undisclosed location in Mexico, and constantly on the move so the drones can never find him. According to my source, they can still track him.
"He is not effectively hidden at all. Ventura may believe he is invisible to surveillance, but every time he uploads his TV show to the satellite, there is a chance that the NSA, FBI, CIA or whoever controls the drones could triangulate his location based on the signal. He really has no hope of ever being hidden if they were able to put tracking dust on him."
KIM JONG UN ATTACKS SANTA CLAUS
North Korea has been up to no good this year. Under orders from their evil
dictator Kim Jong Un, and using information hackers stole from NORAD's Santa
tracking, they tried to shoot down Saint Nicholas.
THANKSGIVING PARADE RENAMED BLACK FRIDAY PARADE
On the 150th anniversary of Thanksgiving, we may have witnessed the final Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Starting in 2014, it will be called the Macy's Black Friday Parade. This came as a shock to me, so I called repeatedly until I could get a representative of the company to talk about it.
I eventually reached Tiffany Ashley, a company spokesperson. When I asked her why the retail industry has become so casual about ruining a traditional family holiday, she told me "Thanksgiving is so yesterday! It is not something most people do any more, and was just a pre-Christmas anyhow. Better to use that day to be more ready for the real thing.
...Macy's has been the leader in opening Thursday night so bargain hunters can beat Friday morning shoppers the punch, and score the good loot that will be gone by the morning.
MICROSOFT TO BURY SURFACE TABLETS IN DESERT
After the humiliation of a 900 million dollar write down and the ousting of their former CEO, Steve Ballmer, Microsoft has released the second generation of their Surface RT and Surface Pro tablets. This leaves Redmond with the problem of what to do with millions of leftover first generation hardware.
"Don't expect this to be widely publicized," my source told me. "Electronics are often not the most environmentally friendly thing to be putting into the ground, so they hope to do this quietly, but putting them into the ground is exactly what they have planned." Read More
AREA 51 DECLASSIFICATION IS NO BIG DEAL
UFO believers were greatly encouraged when the US government finally declassified Area 51. Their excitement was premature. All that Washington is really admitting is that the place exists. They showed a map that calls it by that name. There have been no revelations about anything remotely extra-terrestrial taking place at the facility. The government insists that the U2 and later spy planes, as well as stealth planes and early drones, were all that was based there. No little green or grey men. No flying saucers.
Rumors about what was hidden in Area 51 included the wreckage of the Roswell UFO, actual live alien beings, things reverse engineered from captured alien technologies that were moving our technology centuries ahead in mere years, and even the key to unlimited energy. The Air Force, NASA, politicians in Washington and anyone in authority scoff at these notions, but conspiracy theorists insist that they are active participants in a cover-up, or are just ignorant. Read More
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON VISIBLE IN AUGUST
In an incredibly rare celestial event called a lunar reversal, the opposite side of the moon, or “dark side” as it is often called, will become briefly visible. It will directly face us for the full moon on August 20. “This has not happened since medieval times," says Dr. Ivan Ivanovich, a former Soviet scientist now with NASA. "Up to now, only a few astronauts and cosmonauts have seen what the other side of our moon looks like with their own eyes. For the rest of us, pictures like the one here have been all there is. That is about to change, though not for long."
Dr. Ivanovich explained that as our solar system makes its closest approach to the core of the Milky Way Galaxy, the orbits and rotations of small objects like moons and dwarf planets can be altered. Unusual tidal activity is also expected to occur starting in the second week of the eighth month, as our natural satellite's orbit temporarily becomes less elliptical. Read More
BURGER KING TO INTRODUCE WHOPPER SENIOR
You may have heard of the Whopper and the Whopper Junior, but a new sandwich is on the horizon at the nation's number three burger chain, one they hope could get them back into the number two position ahead of rival, Wendy's. They may even have their sights on industry leader, McDonald's. Unlike their competitors under the golden arches, Burger King says they will target folks in their golden ages.
"A lot of senior citizens have a hard time eating fast food," said Bill Stickers, a spokesman at Burger King's corporate offices. "It has to be chewed and chewed. This is a problem for many who have gaps between their teeth and or ill-fitting dentures. Crunchy foods are especially a pain. We have a solution: The Whopper Senior. Read More
UNRESTFUL SPIRITS CAUSED SUPER BOWL POWER OUTAGE
The NFL, Management of the Superdome, and New Orleans' electricity provider, Entergy have not delivered a definitive answer to why the power went out during Super Bowl XLVII, but I have heard from someone who has an explanation.
Renowned New Orleans psychic, Madam Sophia LaRoque says that ghosts are responsible.
WINDOWS 8 PICTURE PASSWORDS HACKED
Microsoft has heavily advertised a new feature for signing into their new touch screen friendly OS,
Windows 8. They call it picture passwords. Instead of typing something, you are presented a pre-chosen picture,
and you make finger gestures on it. This might come in handy when you don't have a keyboard, but I have uncovered a problem.
Picture passwords are hackable. Read More
NEW GOOGLE TECHNOLOGY WILL READ MINDS
you ever want to search for something, but aren't sure how to put it into words?
Do Google, Yahoo and Bing spit back off-topic junk every time you try? Google
thinks they will have a solution for this problem by around 2015. Their system,
if it works, will be able to directly interface the human brain, so you don't
have to put it into words.
DO NOT LEGITIMIZE "INFOTAIMENT"
There is a commercial airing right now for the Chevrolet Malibu that is so
offensive, that I want to throw my shoes at the TV every time I see it. Why? The
use of the word, "infotainment". This word is a pejorative describing the
content free garbage that the tabloid press and the idiot box pass off as news,
not my car stereo with a GPS navigation system or a hands free system for my cell phone crammed into it. Stop saying that.
ANDROID TABLETS ARE A PAIN
I have had an idea
for a while now. I need an Android tablet. Apple i-Pads
don't do flash, so I wouldn't have the whole Internet, and besides, I'm not
a hipster. I can't turn a laptop sideways to read a book or a magazine. That is a
pain. An Android tablet seemed like the answer.
Imagine if this garbage were going on in Windows PCs... 90 percent of new PCs sold would be returned, and their former owners would swear off computers forever. Read More
REBUILD BRENT SPENCE WITH CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP
I was recently in Cincinnati covering the fallout over the
fight between the University of Cincinnati and Xavier men's basketball teams,
and learned about the plight of the Brent Spence Bridge. In case you didn't
know, this behemoth double-decker span carries Interstate 71 and Interstate 75
across the Ohio River between Cincinnati and Covington, Kentucky. Though it was
considered a marvel of modern engineering when it was built, it has long carried a
lot more traffic than it was ever intended to, and is aging
badly. This bridge needs to be replaced, but a lack of funding has prevented it
Interstate 71 runs from Cleveland to Louisville, and Interstate 75 runs from the
Canadian border to Key West. The country cannot afford to have these highways
severed in the middle of their courses. Read More
JUST MAKE SOME CHEESE AND PEPPERONI
I took my grandkids to a pizza buffet the other day, and found nothing they would eat and scant little I would.
It blows my mind how something that should be stupidly simple was botched so
completely. What kind of pizza do little kids eat? Plain cheese. What kind of
pizza do bigger kids and most adults prefer? Pepperoni. Neither of these were
available when we arrived. There was one with no sauce, and some garden
vegetables. There was one with barbecue sauce and chicken. There were two dessert
pizzas, one with a suspicious white sauce, and even one with potatoes on it. I
kid you not, potatoes on a pizza!
TIME TO UPDATE THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
Since it was first written by the Reverend Francis Bellamy in 1892,
the Pledge Of Allegiance has been a great way for good Americans to show their devotion to this blessed nation.
He wrote it to commemorate the four hundredth anniversary of Columbus' discovery, which made our nation's
founding possible. The Pledge has also been a highly effective tool for weeding out undesirables.
The original wording was I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation,
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. This simple and clear loyalty oath was enough to weed out
unrepentant confederates who would divide the country again, as they believed in a voluntary confederation
of sovereign states that could secede if they so chose, not one nation, indivisible...
PERSON OF INTEREST IS PROPAGANDA FOR BIG BROTHER
The government has cameras everywhere, and is watching all the time. We are all under surveillance. Everything we do is seen and everything we say is heard. Does this sound like the description of a place you want to live, or a frightening dystopia? The people behind the TV show, Person Of Interest want you to like this idea, and are producing the show for the express purpose of selling it to you. Why would they do such a thing? Because the government is paying them to.
During the Bush Administration, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) began a program called Total Information Awareness ...There was a public outcry, and Congress defunded the project. The reaction of the FBI, CIA, ATF, FEMA and Pentagon to this rejection of their plans was a public relations campaign to pitch Americans the idea that constant surveillance will protect them from terrorists and criminals, making them safe. Person Of Interest is a key part of this marketing ploy. Read More
WHAT IS THE CLOUD?
Every day, at least one salesman gets through my call screening somehow trying to sell me "the cloud".
It is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and without it my company is a dinosaur. That is what they always tell me.
MADAME SOPHIA LAROQUE REPUDIATES NEW ZODIAC
curious about the "New Zodiac" and "New Astrology" that has the Internet buzzing
lately. Though my managing Editor, M. Grant Winston laughed at me, and I had to
plead with him to do this story, I got it done. I went to New Orleans to ask
famous seer, Madame Sophia LaRoque what she thought.
WAL-MART WANTS TO BANKRUPT THE GIRL SCOUTS
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS CONFUSED ABOUT MOON LANDING
"The Moon Landing. Back in the hippie days of the sixties, not everyone was protesting and getting high. We actually put two men on the moon. That was real cool!...Their names were Stretch Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear."
MAN WINS NCAA OFFICE POOL WITH HELP FROM PSYCHIC
"After reading about her predictions for the year 2008", said Steve, "I had to try asking her to fill out my tournament bracket. She was reluctant at first, but finally agreed at a fee much higher than she usually charges. Although I paid her a lot, it was much less than what I won in the office pool. It really blew everyone's mind at the office. I even got an extra payoff from the boss who bet that no one could fill out a bracket with every single game right."