NEW SPORT OF BOBSLED CURLING ENDS DISASTROUSLY

By Ben Radstein, Staff Reporter

It seemed like a good idea at first. Have men with brooms run in front of the bobsled and sweep away loose snow. That way, the sleds would have clean ice, and could go faster. There was one problem: The broomers couldn’t move fast enough to get out of the way.

"Man! That was most heinous," said a spectator named Chad Newell. "The sled hit that dude and he went flying like Super Dave. He even spun around in the air before he came down right on his head! There was another dude that got totally runned over by the sled, and squished like a friggin' pancake. They had to clean him off the ice with a hose. It was like watching all the fur fly at a NASCAR race with lots of crashes!"

I also spoke to a woman named Susan Johan who had tears in her eyes and trembled in horror. "Oh my god, what were they thinking! It was horrible seeing those people run down like bowling pins. It was stupid! What made them think this would work?"

A spokesman for the games named Fabio Pazzesco said, "I cannot believe it. We gave the broomers a full fifteen second head start before the sleds even moved, but they were so slow. It was like watching foolish children playing in traffic, unaware that they are in mortal peril! Halfway through the competition, the judges agreed to give the broomers a twenty second lead, but they still could not do it. A few were able to jump out of the way, but others ended up like deer on the freeway."

Miraculously no one was killed, but four are hospitalized in critical condition and two have needed limbs amputated. Seven others were wounded less seriously and are expected to fully recover. After this disaster, NBC agreed not to air any footage of Bobsled Curling. In fact, most of the press is trying to pretend that it never happened. Well, it did. You would think that after this catastrophe, that there would be no way that Bobsled Curling would appear again at the Vancouver games in 2010. Pazzesco denied this, saying "all we need to do is give the broomers more training, and a thirty second head start. There is no reason to cancel the event entirely. That would be crazy! There are accidents in sports. It happens, but life goes on. Let's not cry over spilt milk."

I for one hope that this event is not continued. These "extreme sports" have gone too far.

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