BUSH WILL DISPATCH NATIONAL GUARD TO STOP GAY MARRIAGE

By Colleen Smith, Staff Reporter

A constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage failed in the U.S. Senate, but President Bush has not given up. He is quoted as saying, "I am the decider, and I have decided gays can't get married. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! I am also the Commander In Chief, so I will order the National Guard to go to liberal so-called churches like the UCC, Unitarians and Presbyterians all over America, and courthouses in Massachusetts. When our fine men and women in uniform see two sissy boys or manly looking women with their hair all butched off, and they are all dressed up like they are going to a wedding, they will put a stop to it right there." This information comes to me from White House employee, Jeffery Mathers. He told us that Bush seemed completely serious.

A lower level aide asked Bush if he considered the Posse Comitatus act, and he replied "I have considered that, sodomy and all the perverse acts these deviants do to each other, and I will not have any of them blessed by the bond of Holy Matrimony! By the way, if you want to say women going down on each other, you can. You don't have to use all that highfalutin speech." Dumbstruck by Bush's response, the aide asked no more questions but The President continued speaking. "Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream; marriage is what brings us together today and I am telling you that I will use the troops to make sure that it remains a thing between one man and one woman. The homosexual lobby has already taken over TV. They can't have marriage. Those liberal activist judges and fairy lovers in Congress aren't in charge of the troops. I am."

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