BRITNEY SPEARS HAS COOTIES
They made her hair fall out

By Benji Radstein, son of Staff reporter Ben Radstein

Ooh, gross! Look at Britney's ugly bald head. She got cooties, and they made her hair fall out, but who did she get them from? It probably wasn't Kevin Federline, cause he's been out of her house for a long time now, but someone gave them to her. Maybe it was Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. Britney's been hanging out with them for a while.

One time, there was a cooties outbreak at my school, and Joey and Tiffany were scratching and itching all day. They made us all get a special shampoo in case the cooties got on us too. Those little bugs are so nasty. They make you just like a dog with fleas.

I don't know why the doctors didn't give Britney that special shampoo before it got this far. Now, she just looks so ugly.  If she still has some cooties they could jump on other people, too. Maybe she should put a bag on her head. I heard that someone at another school across town got cooties so bad once that they died. I hope Britney doesn't die. She looked so pretty when she had her old blonde hair. I hope that the blonde hair grows back if they can get rid of the cooties, or she might look like a dog's butt for the rest of her life. That would suck! I wonder if that's what happened to Sinead O'Connor too?

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