WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! KILLER ASTEROID TO HIT EARTH IN 2036
By Ben Radstein, Staff Reporter
Apophis, an asteroid that will pass terribly close to earth in 2029, and even closer in 2036 has been in the news lately. According to NASA and the European Space Agency, there is a 1 in 45000 that this giant space rock will hit the earth. Recently, a 13 year old boy in Germany named Nico Marquardt checked their math for a school science project and found that there were two extra zeroes at the end of NASA's figure. He calculated the odds as 1 in 450. If only it were that unlikely.
Dr. Franklin Nelson Stine of Brandine University has looked over both sets of figures, and has recalculated them. He had this to say: "We are all doomed. If Apophis does miss us in 2029, and it might not, then it will definitely hit the Earth in 2036. The odds are 1 in 1. It will happen. Without our own action to divert or destroy it, it is possible that nothing will survive. Even cockroaches and microbes might be wiped out, leaving a lifeless rock that was once our Earth." He went on to say, "It is appropriate to name this Apophis after the Egyptian god of destruction, as it will destroy us all if we don't blow it out of the sky. It is imperative that we prepare and use our vast nuclear arsenals."
The asteroid in question is huge. Even after some of it burns in our atmosphere, what remains would be about 1049 feet wide and would weigh over 200 billion tons. It would likely hit the ocean, which would then rush over the entirety of the land, and create a cloud of dust that would create a global ice age that would leave everything frozen and dead.
I also spoke to Dr. Herbert West of The Helvetica Institute. He had this to say, "I have not yet had an opportunity to look at the work of my esteemed colleague at Brandine, but I usually concur with his findings. An object that size impacting the earth would definitely be the end of us. It is unfortunate that NASA, the ESA and world governments will spend more time and energy on covering this up and calling all of us who believe it lunatics than trying to find a solution. I have no doubt that we possess the technology to prevent this, but can we cut through the bureaucratic red tape and get it done on time?" He went on to say "The best solution would be to act in 2029 just after it has passed the earth. Blow it to dust with all we have and there will be no giant rock to threaten us again in 2036."