ANGRY ABOUT UNSUCCESSFUL HUNT, CHENEY SHOOTS FRIEND.
By Colleen Smith, Staff Reporter
As you have probably heard or read by now, Vice President Dick Cheney shot another member of his hunting party named Harry Whittington. They were quail hunting and accidents happen, so they say. You have not heard the whole story. They were not hunting quail, but a human target: unpopular former Vice President Dan Quayle. Many republicans still blame Quayle's boneheaded gaffes like the "potatoe incident" for Bush the elder's loss to Bill Clinton. When the one time veep ran away unscathed, it made Cheney very angry. In a rage, he recklessly discharged his rifle hitting Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin and personal friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
A secret service agent who witnessed the event agreed to speak to me only on condition of anonymity. He said that Cheney showed no concern for his friend, or remorse. He said something to the effect of, He'll be fine! It was only bird shot. He's lucky I didn't get upset off when we were deer hunting. Buck shot is some nasty stuff. It will mess you up. As you might suspect, those were not literally his words. What he really said was peppered with expletives I have chosen not to use here such as those starting with "f" and "s", and a synonym for donkey. The agent went on to say, "The V.P. can be a real sadistic bastard. It is not good to be around him when he is mad. If anyone says anything to him about his outbursts, he'll snap and snarl that he's Dick Cheney, and he is powerful enough to do whatever floats his boat, so don't run your mouth at him." He went on to add, "We have learned to speak only when spoken to, and even then to walk on eggshells. When Dick didn't get his way hunting, he just shot wildly, and hit Mister Whittington. He may have even meant to do it! He's really heartless."
I was unable to get in touch with any spokesman for Whittington, but was able to contact their intended quarry, George H. W. Bush's VP. He had this to say. "I went on their trip because they told me we were hunting snipes. I had to go out in front and hold the bag. We didn't catch any snipes. We didn't even see any! They were shooting at me and laughing, so I ran. Last time they did this, they said they saw some snipes, and I believed them. One time they told me they wanted to play Cowboys and Indians like kids again, and I was going to be the Indian. That sure sounded like fun, but it was no fun at all. All that shooting hurt my ears! I'm not playing with Dick Cheney and his friends any more. They're mean! I talked to Walter Mondale and Al Gore to find out if anyone was mean to them like this, and they said no. How come they only pick on me?"
There you have it, the true story of Dick Cheney's "hunting accident".