Long John Silver for President

By Edward Chupack,
Author of Silver
The country and the world are in crisis. Markets are melting like snow cones in the sub-Saharan desert. Unfortunately, neither of the U.S. presidential candidates has a plan to steer the economy out of this crisis. I submit that there is only one person that can effect the change that is needed to get the U.S. and the world off their collective keesters.

This is a time for leadership.

This is a time for change.

We need someone with vision, a person that has been tested time and time again and -- although it may be hard to believe -- someone with even less scruples than the current candidates.

Long John Silver for president!

I suppose that the biggest objection to voting for LJS may be that he is a fictional character. We live in a time when we have overcome so many prejudices. Race, religion, gender and moose shooting from helicopters are no longer barriers to elected office. Isn’t it time that we as a people put aside another prejudice, the requirement that our president be a real person?

Many people have voted for Mickey Mouse as president, believing him to be the best choice of candidates running for office, and although the advocacy of Mickey may have been (in light of our recent presidents) an enlightened choice, we must face the fact that Mickey is a loser. The mouse has never achieved more than a fraction of the presidential vote. This country does not need a squeaky-voiced president right now, let alone one that clearly has skeletons in his closet. (Has anyone seen Minnie lately? Is she at the Betty Ford clinic? What are we to make of Mickey consorting with Pluto at all hours? What of Mickey's penchant for picking advisors like Goofy? Has Mickey ever "reached across the aisle" and embraced the Warner Brothers characters like Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck?)

I know that many voters may never be able to vote for a fictional character, but folks let's face it, we do so every time that we pull a lever or punch a hole at the ballot box. John McCain and Barack Obama are figments of their pollsters' imaginations.

Take a look at Barack (or "Barry" as he was known for much of his life): no tie, no foreign policy experience, no domestic policy experience, no voting while in the Senate, no chance that he will be able to enact any of his proposed policies because this country has no money. Watch him stroll across the stage, so cool, so detached and so unreal. He is all image, from his pressed slacks to his slack press coverage. He is the Mother Theresa of politics, here to embrace all, feed all and provide tax relief to all except those that are not true believers (the rich who according to Democratic gospel have absolutely no business being rich in such dire times and businesses that have no business being businesses when the government can do everything that businesses can do -- but better).
Does anyone believe that Barack Obama is real? Here is a test -- a foolproof test. Type "Barack Obama" in a Word document and he appears as a spelling error. Now type Long John Silver in a Word document: no error. Microsoft, as we all know, is infallible. I submit that Long John Silver and not this so-called Barack Obama is the more authentic personage.

Now give a gander at John McCain. He is a hero, Captain America riding the Straight Talk Express across the plains and prairies and into our parlors, spouting truth and justice and whatever will get him elected president. Do you want the government to buy your mortgage and void a few hundred years of contract law? Would you like five hundred dollars in your pocket right now, only some of which he will take away by taxing it to fund his healthcare plan? How about some government regulation with those fries?

McCain is a maverick, albeit a self-proclaimed one, even though he has touted the Republican line for so long that he talks with Teddy Roosevelt on a regular basis. He used to be a Republican, but Captain America's tights are torn from the wear and tear of the campaign trail. The problem with John McCain, my friends, is that he has been erased and redrawn so many times that he is not even a complete character. He comes in and out of focus, like a picture from an old overhead projector at the Chicago Planetarium.

Does anyone believe that John McCain is real? Here is another foolproof test. He has not been seen in the same room with George Bush. George Bush did not attend the Republican National Convention. Oh, there was talk at the time about Bush staying away because of a hurricane, but when was the last time that Republicans showed any compassion? Maybe someone's drink needed refreshing at a Georgetown cocktail party, or someone wanted another burger at a barbecue or an ally asked for a tank or two, but do you recall Republicans ever showing real compassion? So, we must ask why George Bush and John McCain are never together. Could it be because John McCain is George Bush? And, if John McCain is George Bush, then whom is George Bush? Why Cheney of course! Cheney, who is real, has been running the government from an underground bunker in the mountains of Pakistan where nobody can find him. For all I know he is playing Parcheesi with Osama Bin Laden in Tora Bora, but the point is that John McCain is not authentic.

Long John Silver for president. The more you say it, the more it sounds right. Long John Silver for president. Long John Silver for president . . .

The blaggard is qualified.

LJS would solve our money problems. He would steal whatever we need. He would no doubt take a cut for his own coffers, but that is what all politicians do, and so we can hardly fault him for pocketing some doubloons.

Moreover, Long John would take decisive action. He would not consult Congress. He might rob the members of the Senate and House of Representatives, but he would not consult them. LJS would waste no time getting this country back on its manicured toes and into its puffball slippers. He would, I assure you, send any elected official that disagreed with him several leagues under the sea.

You want a house? Fine. LJS would make sure that you paid for it. Might his price be extravagant? Surely, however you would have a house and no one would take it away from you so long as you were under Long John's protection. There would be no more need to read the fine print. You sign your name in blood and that’s all there is to it!

You won't pay any taxes under LJS's regime. Let me repeat that promise. You won't pay any taxes. You may have to, by way of full disclosure, pay a tariff now and then if the stock of White House rum runs low, but that eventuality is as unlikely as Social Security paying you anything in the coming years.

Are you worried about the value of the dollar? Interest rates? Inflation? Deflation? Not to worry. The currency will be whisky and the aforementioned rum, ale on occasion, real assets that you can smell and taste and, if so inclined, drink.

We will have a budget surplus, and almost immediately, just as soon as certain countries pay us the ransom that we deserve for saving them from various calamities (which LJS will initiate so that all nations understand the value of our services).

There will be no trade imbalance. We will sell our goods to others and take them back later.

Long John would not only cure our economic ailments. He is a master at foreign policy. Neither Obama nor McCain can control their running mates, let alone Kim Jong II or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Is there any doubt in your mind that Long John Silver would cut our adversaries into ribbons if they stood in the way of our -- and his -- interests?

We would work much better with our allies if LJS were president. McCain has accused Obama of naiveté by agreeing to meet with our enemies without preconditions. Obama has accused McCain of a lack of judgment by voting for the war in Iraq. Long John does not suffer from naiveté or lack of judgment. He will meet with anyone without preconditions, and if LJS doesn't like what someone says he will hack out their tongue. Problem solved. He cannot suffer from a lack of judgment because no one will dare question his judgment.

LJS will be a strong leader. He will not wring his hands or commiserate. He will wring necks and eviscerate.

He will slice through the bureaucracy in Washington.

LJS will solve our energy crisis. He will barter something inconsequential, such as the State of Delaware, for oilfields in the Middle East and Venezuela. Can you imagine all the good that the corporate attorneys in Delaware will do for these third world countries?

We will have law and order. No one will be afraid to walk the streets at night because no one will be allowed to walk the streets at night. Why haven't our elected officials thought of this?

Have you noticed that no one can sing the Star Spangled Banner in tune? One of Long John Silver's first acts will be to change our national anthem to a rousing sea shanty, one that everyone can sing, must sing as a matter of fact. And, in tune.

Did I mention tights? Long John, like our forefathers, wears his leggings with style.

The only issue with LJS as president is succession. We live in a democracy after all. Putin comes to mind as a natural successor to LJS, as LJS and Putin seem to share so much in common, however Putin is not a natural citizen of the United States and so cannot be our president -- unless Long John disregards the constitution -- as Putin has done in Russia.

Silly me. There is no need for a succession plan. LJS will go on and on as long as there is cynicism in politics. Yes, Long John Silver for president. Forever.  

©2008 Edward Chupack

Author Bio
Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. His first novel, Silver, is available now from Thomas Dunne Books. To learn more about Long John Silver, please visit www.silverpirate.com

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