WORLDCOM TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN COMPANY SCRIPT
WorldCom
CEO John Sidgmore announced a new cost cutting plan today, in light of
the company's bankruptcy filing. A company store will be created at each of
the struggling telecom firm's largest branches to sell employees the basic necessities of life,
and employees will be paid from now on in company script, rather than U.S. currency.
"We have filed for Chapter 11," said Sidgmore, "and can
no-longer afford to recklessly toss cash around. While we are protected from our
creditors, and allowed to remain open, we must avoid unnecessary spending. We have studied ways to
pro-actively streamline the organization, and save money. As a result, we will use a cost control
method employed by nineteenth century coal mines: company stores and company
currency. Mine owners called their company script 'flickers', and we still
have a soft spot in our hearts for our original CEO, Bernard Ebbers, so
his face will adorn the front of our private currency, which we will call, 'Bernie Flickers.'
Since common employees do not need any more than the basics, our company stores will stock day old
bread, day old milk, grade "b" meats, and produce, and other staples
that we can acquire for them at low cost."
"Naturally, this new plan does
not apply to executives. We are used to having the finer things, and will
continue to have them. That is a privilege of being one of the 'big fish.' While
some may object to this, we will have Rush Limbaugh talk it up as a good idea on
his radio show. Since the average American gets his or her beliefs spoon-fed to
them by talk radio, it will be a win-win scenario. This clever plan was devised
by former CFO, Scott Sullivan, whom we have retained as a consultant. We will be
rewarding him with a ten million dollar cash bonus for thinking of this ingenious
solution. We are asking all of our employees to graciously accept this change,
as it may save the company to whom they owe their very livelihoods. That would
be the least they could do to display their gratitude to us for employing them, which no law requires
us to do." Sidgmore told THE UNCOVEROR that the new pay
plan will begin the first pay period in August.