RUMSFELD AND WOLFOWITZ ARE VAMPIRES, W KETCHUP CONTAINS BLOOD.

By Naven Jones, freelance investigative journalist

For a long time, Many have called Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz monsters. I barely escaped with my life when I recently learned what kind of monsters they are: Vampires. It turns out that there are vampires all over the country who support the Bush Administration. They walk among us; and thanks to an insidiously disguised product, they can sit down at a table and eat with us without raising any suspicion.

You may have heard of, or seen W Ketchup, a product they claim was intended only to give republicans an alternative to Heinz Ketchup, a product they associate with John Kerry. There is something people don't know about it: It was never intended for human consumption, it is meant for vampires. W ketchup is nearly fifty percent blood.

I recently was granted an interview with Wolfowitz to discuss soldiers who lack body armor in Iraq. I got a great deal more than I bargained for. He insisted that I come to dinner with him, and that we would discuss it over a meal. I was taken to a darkened room deep in a sub-basement of the federal office building in Washington DC. Arrayed before us was an assortment of meats, all appearing to be cooked rare to medium rare. Nothing but meat, and a bottle of W Ketchup. He told me almost right away that he was a vampire, and asked that I call him "Count Wolfie."

"The only things nearly as good as sucking blood right out of the veins of my hapless victims, and feasting on their flesh is W Ketchup! Rummy likes it, too. He is also a vampire, you know." We just cannot eat the food of mortals without blood, and with this ketchup no one suspects a thing. Blah! Blah! It is almost as much fun as defiling innocent young virgins, whose blood is the purest, to eat W Ketchup right in front of unsuspecting mortals. It is also good to get them to eat it, as this brings them under our power! With our names, you might have thought that I was a werewolf, and Rummy was a mummy, but we are, in fact, vampires. Now that you know our secret, you must die!"

Count Wolfie then bared his fangs, his eyes turned red, and he lunged toward me, but he didn't get close. I had lunch at a pizzeria that day that had been just loaded with garlic. When he got a whiff of the aroma, he doubled over in pain, and that allowed me to escape with my life. Now that you know the horrible truth that many of President Bush's top advisors are vampires, and that W Ketchup was intended for them, not us, do not buy or use W Ketchup. Be afraid; be very afraid, if you see anyone who does. It is blood!