BAD NEWS FOR VEGETARIANS:
PLANTS FEEL PAIN

It has come to our attention at THE UNCOVEROR that something startling has been discovered by Dr. Bill Williams, a botanist at The Helvetica Institute. If his preliminary findings turn out to be true, they will prove that killing plants for food is no less cruel than killing animals for food. "Plants are aware," says Dr. Williams, "and they feel pain!"

Dr. Williams, and his team were doing experiments on talking to plants. He had set out to prove that this helped them only because it blows carbon dioxide over their leaves. He had one team speak lovingly to the plants, and another threaten and verbally abuse them. To the surprise of all involved, the plants that were lovingly spoken to thrived, producing large, lovely flowers. Their growth rates were off the charts! The plants that were verbally abused and threatened never bloomed. Some even withered and died. 

His team then connected EEG electrodes to several plants, and measured their responses to various stimuli. "They definitely felt it when we pricked them with needles. One of my staff even burned one with a lighter. Not only did its EEG go off the charts, but so did every plant in the same room!" Dr. Williams is submitting his findings to other scientists for further review. He told me that plants not only seem to be aware and to feel pain, it looks like they can even communicate. They may even be sentient beings. 

He told me, "I hadn't thought of it until now, but how does a fruit tree know how to make a sweet attractive fruit that animals will eat when it drops off, and spread the seeds? How do flowers know how to attract bees with sweet, fragrant nectar, and get their pollen spread about, assuring a next generation? They may be doing this consciously!" Maybe Disney will make a cartoon about a happy little vegetable. He will be called Buddy the Carrot. He'll lose his mother to the farmer when he picks her, and eats her. That could do to vegetables what Bambi did to meat! Carrots may in fact be more intelligent than deer. Who knows for sure? You read it here first at THE UNCOVEROR.

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