Many of our readers have asked us to investigate whether bottled pheromones work. We have investigated them at length In Cooperation with Dr. Richard Payne of Brandine University, and have results to report.

Dr. Payne studied over one hundred products purported to contain human pheromone. His studies show that our readers’ skepticism was justified. “Pheromones are a type of musk, Dr. Payne told us, "that is detected by a small organ in the nose called the vomeronasal organ, but are not literally smelled. All animals that reproduce sexually emit pheromones. These glandular secretions attract  the opposite sex. Humans are no exception. Many companies are selling what they claim are bottled human pheromones. They are being sold through mail order, online, and can even be found at upscale department stores and boutiques in perfumes and colognes. Their advertisements promise to deliver success with the opposite sex, newfound respect on the job, renewed confidence, and so many other things we would allegedly have if people found us more attractive. Most of these products,” said Dr. Payne, “Contain nothing but scented water or scented oil. They are a scam. Their advertisements claim that two varieties of pheromone exist, one produced by men, and one produced by women. In truth, each one of us produces a unique blend of pheromones that will attract those we are likely to be compatible with. They can be affected by a number of factors. They can send out signals telling a prospective mate we are sick, or we are depressed, and many other messages. The scent of fear is a form of this. Pheromones are strongest when we are at the height of our fertility cycles, but even then are so subtle that they can easily be masked.” His study did find one case where the bottled pheromones were real. The bad thing about it was they were canine female pheromones, not the human male ones they were advertised to be.

A test subject whom we will call “Marty” wore them while visiting several popular bars and dance clubs near Brandine’s campus. Women did not pay extra attention to him, and he felt no extra confidence. Dogs however were very interested in “Marty”. They followed him around, and repeatedly attempted copulation with his leg. At the end of the night, he tried to take a shortcut back to the dormitories through an enclosed alley. He was cornered, and sexually assaulted by a large pack of amorous dogs. They knocked him over, and had their way with any part of his body they could wrap themselves around, until they were satisfied. “Marty” felt so violated that he was reluctant to speak about it, but with the promise that we would not use his real name, he did.  

“Those sex-crazed mutts violated my body and used me! They made me their bitch! I agreed to try the pheromones Dr. Payne was studying because he gave me twenty bucks, and I was hoping to get with some of the sorority girls, even though I’m not in one of the popular fraternities. I never bargained for this.  It was horrible! Who let the dogs out?” 

Dr. Payne had this to say to everyone tempted to try bottled pheromones. “Save your money. If you gain confidence using these products, it will only be the placebo effect at work. At best, these products will do nothing. At worst, you could end up like ‘Marty.’ If you want to use pheromones, use your own. Wash with soap and water, preferably an unscented soap, a few hours before going out. Do not use deodorant except on hot summer evenings, and then only the unscented variety. By all means, do not use perfumes or colognes. These products will match your natural musk. The sweat under you arms will spread your natural musk through the air. Your natural pheromones will work if you give them a chance to.