ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS GO TOO FAR

A reader has sent us something outrageous. A group called the WWMA, which stands for World Wide Monkey Association, has proposed that full U.S. Citizenship should be extended to all primates. We at THE UNCOVEROR think some people watched the Planet Of The Apes movies too many times. Here are the reader's comments, followed by the text of the proposal.

Dear Uncoveror: In a desparate attempt to foster political backing, the WWMA (World Wide Monkey Association) has drawn up a declaration for monkey rights in the United States of America. If passed, this would grant monkeys full citizenship in the United States. What does this mean for Americans? It means that already sparse jobs could go to monkeys that are underqualified, just because of affirmative action on the monkeys behalf. Our economy is already heading in the wrong direction. We MUST stop this lobby before it rips this great nation apart at the seams!

      Official Declaration of the American Liberties Union for the Civil Rights of Monkeys

      We, the American people, officially declare that as of this twentieth day of December, nineteen-hundred and ninety eight, all monkeys residing in or declaring residence in the United States of America , are hereby liberated from the policies and laws, written and unwritten, of all countries stating monkeys, under the Darwinian Primate Council Act of 1912, automatically forfeit rights and privileges of citizenship by natural birth. Under the Official Declaration of the American Liberties Union Act for the Civil Rights of Monkeys, we hereby grant the following rights to all monkeys:

      Article 1.  All monkeys over the age of six, will be given the right to vote in all states and territories belonging to the United States of America.

     Article 2.  All monkeys will be given the right to practice all behaviors and beliefs as defined by the American Behavioral Sciences Law. Any behaviors and beliefs not defined by the American Behavioral Sciences Law will be examined by Congress to determine whether the aforementioned behavior or belief is just and can therefore be covered by the Bill of Rights.

     Article 3.  Any monkeys possessing outstanding debts to countries claiming ownership of the monkeys will be from hereon considered null and void.

     Article 4.  Any natural-born monkey, having sound mind and body, over the age of ten, will gain the right to hold any office in the United States government to the full length of term.

     Article 5.  All monkeys will have the right to a free education, including but not limited to, sign language, and all primary and secondary educational institutions, and the degrees granted therein.

     Article 6.  Monkeys will have the right to bear arms.

     Article 7.  As legal taxpayers contributing to the United States and world economies, all monkeys will be protected by Federal minimum wage laws.

     Article 8.  With the formation of a twelve monkey council, all laws directly relating to monkeys will go under review and revision if necessary, so as to relate to modern monkey culture and society, after approval by Congress and the President. The Judicial branch will gain the right to vote after no less than two monkeys hold office in the Judicial branch.

Article 10.  A new cabinet position entitled the Department of Monkey Affairs will be added to the Executive branch in order to better represent monkey citizens as a whole. 

Their proposal did not get through Congress then, and probably won't when it is re-introduced this coming session. But we hope that these people will wake up and smell the coffee. Chimpanzees, orangutans, gorillas, baboons, and monkeys can not just join our society or do our jobs! I am not advocating their oppression, I am merely stating a fact. WWMA, Get a life!

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