The
Statue pictured here behind Attorney General John Ashcroft no longer adorns the
Justice Department's Great Hall. Ashcroft has repeatedly voiced objections
to posing for pictures before this display of partial nudity.
Initially, Eight thousand dollars of taxpayer money were
spent to cover the statue with blue drapes but now, the Ambassador from Saudi Arabia has
presented the Justice Department with a gift. "Lady
Justice" will be clad in a burqa."This is a great day for America," said Ashcroft at a small gathering of reporters. "There is nothing more indecent, or in need of being covered up than the human body. The old statue was obscene and pornographic. It attracted ogling perverts who would stare at her naked breast, and was a major embarrassment at formal functions."
A reporter asked Ashcroft what would be done with the partially nude male statue entitled "Majesty of Law." He told us, "That piece of homosexual pornography will be replaced with a statue of a true American hero, former Attorney General Edwin Meese, whose groundbreaking report on pornography inspired me to fight smut."
The Attorney General was then asked why he considered "Majesty of Law" pornography when its penis is completely covered with a loincloth. He became agitated, and admonished the reporter, saying "Do not swear in the sacred halls of justice, young man! Women and children might hear you saying that dirty word." Another reporter asked why he was so uptight about sex. He became even more upset, saying "You people just don't know when to quit, do you? Sex is everywhere in today's depraved culture, and it makes me sick! It especially upsets me to know that schools are telling innocent children that babies come from people having sex. When children ask where babies come from, they should be told that God plants seeds in a cabbage patch far, far away, and when the babies in the cabbage patch have grown enough, The Lord sends the stork to deliver the babies. If children ask about sex, they should be told that it is something nasty people do."
Ashcroft says that the new "more decent" statues would be unveiled at his next regular press conference. He was also asked what would be done with the draperies that had cost taxpayers eight-thousand dollars. Ashcroft said that they had been auctioned on Ebay, and had gotten the taxpayers back ten dollars.