BLEACHING HAIR CAUSES BRAIN DAMAGE

According to Dr. Martin Pratt of Brandine University, and Dr. Benjamin Staines of the Center for the Institute of Studies, hair bleaching causes brain damage. Hydrogen peroxide, the key ingredient, will seep into the skull, and kill brain cells.

"We have all heard the jokes about dumb blonds, and I wondered if they were really all dizzy," said Dr. Pratt. "I decided to do a scientific study. I met many blonds who matched the stereotype, and other blonds who clearly did not. It was not long before I noticed an uncanny pattern. Natural blonds were not dumb or dizzy at all. Many of them were highly intelligent, coordinated and sensible. Bleach blonds demonstrated negative traits like being dim-witted, vain, shallow, gullible, and generally dizzy. I had a colleague of mine, Dr. Staines, perform studies to confirm my findings, and he did. Bleach blonds are dumb because they suffer from peroxide poisoning. 

"When I started my own study to confirm Dr. Pratt's findings," explained Dr. Staines, "I decided to check men as well, since hair bleaching and dyeing are becoming popular with both sexes. Men, too are suffering loss of their mental abilities through use of hair dyes and bleaches. Bleach is far worse than other hair colors, as it contains a lot more peroxide. Men who bleached their hair were prone to grunting and high-fiving a lot, had difficulty remembering simple things like names, and seemed to have a penchant for injuring themselves performing stupid stunts."

Dr. Pratt and Dr. Staines both agree that the use of hair bleach will be an increasing problem in the future. "We are going to have to start building more nursing homes," commented Dr. Pratt. "As more and more people in our image obsessed culture use hair bleach, more and more will become mentally incompetent at even younger ages, and will just not be capable of taking care of themselves. We may even have to start up idiot asylums, and commit chronically stupid people.

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